I Broke Up

First of all, a disclaimer: This post is a little bit (actually a lot) more personal than what I am confortable with sharing. But, lmao, who cares, right? Don't expect any bold stuff or neatly organized paragraphs to make this easier to digest. I’m just pouring my feelings out and then doing a quick revision. So, deal with it (also, kinda itxttd). And please, if you know me in real life, don’t reach out about this? If you don’t, feel free to lmao. Or do and don't lmao haha who cares wahtever idon't.

So... I broke up with my girlfriend about 2-3 months ago. Our relationship lasted 3 years, and now, its over... Why? Well, I guess that is a good question, considering the title of this post. Our relationship was... kinda toxic. Even thought we loved each other a lot, we fought a lot. Just the way we were, our way of thinking and beliefs were motive for fighting.

Our arguments were mostly about the same stuff, over and over, and over, and over, and over. We would start with a small disagreement that would quickly escalate into something much bigger. I’d express my concerns, and instead of finding a solutions (even thought we tried), we’d end up getting more upset. It was like we were stuck in a loop of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

I remember one time she told me I always tried to be right and make her wrong. The problem was, in those moments, I genuinely tought I was right. After that, I couldn't defend myself without thinking, "I am doing it again, am I not?" And, of course, that was another motive for fighting, as always.

One thing about me, is that I really like drinking - getting drunk with my friends and hanging out, and sometimes even take something else. One thing about her is that she was "traumatized" by drugs and alcohol. When she was a kid, her dad was a drug dealer, drank a lot, and hit her mother. So, I guess it made sense. She asked me to give up on drinking, but I didn't really want to because of the fun, and it helped me with socializing (something that I really struggle with).

I couldn't even hangout with my friends without her worrying about me drinking and whatever. Tons of times, I would argue with her while I was supposed to be having fun with my friends. It happened so often that my friends would get mad at me for spending so much time at my phone. Once, after a really long fight while I was drinking with my friends, I remember getting home and crying my eyes out. This video really comes to mind lol:

Well, and??? Isn't it obvious? You're just incompatible. Just break up and be done with it. You see, I left out a very big part of the thing. She had a lot of mental problems: depression (took medicine for it), bipolarity, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. She had abused her meds and even ended up in the hospital because of it.

Even thought I wanted to break up a year before, I always worried about what would happen to her. Would she take her life? Would she hurt herself even more? I felt responsible to be by her side and try to help her, even thought in the end, it just was bad for of both of us. I tried so much.

Over time I sacrificed my own mental health to try and support her. I would cry almost every day because of everything that happened, but I pretend everything was okay. Of course, she noticed, yet nothing changed, even after countless fights and arguments.

After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore. I would be rude to her. I stopped caring. And, of course, again, she noticed. We fought, we cried, and I apologized and swore to be better to her. And then I wouldn't be able to take it anymore again. This endless cycle repeated over and over.

Once, I started to ask her things, implying that I wanted to break up. Something like, “Should we really be together? We just hurt each other again and again”. She cried so much, begging me not to abandon her too. I never forgot it.

Yet, we loved each other so much. She, especially, adored me. I wanted to break up ages ago. Even though I loved her, I knew it was better for the both of us. But I was scared - what would happen to her? Would she be okay? Would she find someone else that could make her happy? And, even worse (as in me being selfish), what would happen to me? Would I be able to find someone else? It was so hard to find her. Would I be alone forever?

And then the day came. I was travelling with my family - my grandama, my two brothers, and my cousin. I was trying to spend time with them, but we had some kind of fight that I don’t even remember. She cursed me, saying I was an “asshole” or something like that. And I, without hesitation, said:

Yeah, I kinda lied to you. We didn't really break up, but took a break. Its been two months, though. She reached out to me and asked for forgiveness, and then said her goodbyes. I didn't really tell her how I felt, tho. How I was worried about her, how I wanted to be friends, and everything I felt. And I feel like such an asshole for not reaching out to her, but at the same time, I don't have the guts to. And I feel so bad about myself.

Now, around two months later, I started dreaming about her. How we would start talking and feel so relieved, even thought I don't want to. I feel so lonely, worring about not being able to find anyone else to be my partner. I miss so much having someone to talk everyday and share all the minor stuff that happens with me. I guess I am happier overall; I don`t cry anymore, I hang out with my friends without feeling guilty. But I guess we are never satisfied, right?

That's it. Maybe you're thinking that I am an asshole, alcoholic, or whatever. I just want to let you know that I left out so much and that I really suck at expressing my thoughts. There's a lot I didn't talk about. Like how I agreed to stop drinking while she treated herself with an psychologist that I would pay, that I tried everything to stop her from self-harming (even self-harming myself - yeah, that was dumb), how I broke down in front of my friends, how I would hide my feelings even after promising to tell her everything (thats a bad thing), how I thought I was the "strong one" mentally and could take anything while I tried to help her, etc, and blah blah blah. I probably wrote this making me look like the "correct one" and that she was the only "wrong one", but I am sure I did so many bad things too.

If you read everything, thank you. And also, don't worry. I am okay.